That's it. My Heart is bleeding like a damn lovesong about Lovesickness.
For example these lyrics are so damn right.
If yo're following my Twitter, you already know, I fall stupidly in love.
You also know, I've deleted all my Tweets now.
Remember the Vampire Diaries Episode, where Elena was burning her House down, after Jeremy died?
I am feeling like her. Not that I've lost someone due to death.. but you can imagine me like her while crying and screaming.
Let's rewind so you understand the complete story.
Back in time, when I was Chibi-Lenne, I went to a new School, seeing new People and one Boy.
One Boy, whom I thought: He looks like Angel! (David Boreanaz)
He always wears black, walks like Angels, seems to be like Angel.
I madly fall in love with this Boy.
(Not coz he looked like Angel, he had something undefined...you know..)
Instead of learning, I watched his back all the time. When he talked to me, I was this typical stupidly shy girl with a damn stupid smily face and a "uhm yeah well" attitude. I couldn't speak, when he was talking to me. Or at least, if I remember correct, didn't said much.
As time goes by, everyone starts a life. Sounds really dull...
He and me didn't saw for years after School. In Years, we count 4.
Somehow I've found him online, due to "let's see, if I can find him! :D"
Yes ever since I love to find people online.
I've found him. We became friends over this Community but couldn't write each other without paying for it there. Facebook wasn't that popular, I guess, nobody heard of it in germany years ago and we both weren't there. But we were both on another community, were we could chat for free.
We've meet each other on April.
First time I didn't took any pics. To shy, to omygodiseethisguyisthisforreal feeling you know.
This was on April 26 2008
No time for filters. Just the pure me. First I was waiting for him at my parents house. He came with his car.
Here inside view of car....
(Back then I was more crazy with taking pics everywhere than nowadays...)
We went to a small Restaurant and he bought me this, after saying: ;,let's eat something."
Can't remember, he eat something.
This mad love food! YUMMY
After that we went to our School and then to his home.
Carrie Bradshaw once said:
In a single gal's life,there are three important firsts.The first time you have sex;the first time you have good sex;and the first time you seea guy-you-just-started-dating's apartment.
So it happend very fast, I saw his apartment. On this day:
OOTD (lol)
I still up to date own these clothes!
The day was so surreal for me as every "date" with him was.
Look, if you ever fall in love or just like someone madly and this guy starts to date you, what else can you think than: What damn madly luck have I?
We were sitting in his apartment, doing chit-chat about the world and I remember, he cuddled me, so I had to laugh so much, I died lol. He also loved my hair. Said, it was so soft. He ran his hand through my hair. But nothing happened.
Also have
Video here! Nothing special, just his big Flatscreen. I've never saw before such huge Flatscreens.
I can't remember anymore, if we saw each other often. Due to my Picture Archive, only 2 more times.
At May 1 we went to the place, I called home. The place, I grew up.
Wanted to see my old school, when:
It's gone! :(
His Hand. Typical Karate Hand... Yeah he's doing Karate alot. At least, he did it. Dunno how it is now.
OOTD
Gorgeous Chibi-Lenne...
Last time we saw was on May 6.
I didn't took any pics at his home. I guess, I did not wanted him to creep out or something. That he thinks, I am a completely stupid girl.
I don't know what happend then. Why we stopped to see each other. Was it me?
He was freshly Single. Only 3 Weeks ago he was in a relationship.
He tried to get me. He wanted me as a girlfriend, but I wasn't sure.
Are 3 Weeks enough to go out from a Relationship to another? Or am I just the stopgap, the override till the next girl?
These questions pop up in my mind and I guess, these thoughts were the reason, we didn't saw each other anymore.
I also own old chats and there he wrote, I am very exhausting.
Whatever I did, I did it so good, he no longer wanted to see me.
Or was it me? I really forgot this...
After we've met, he found another girl really fast.
And of course Chibi-Lenne had a Summer full of tears.
Thank you, I really needed this!
He was together with her until 2011 (I believe)
This girl had him and most bad part, she liked to wrote online about the relationship.
So I knew like everything. Both were together on vacation. She knows his parents.
I remember how she wrote Love, Love, Love, Love
And I knew, how she meant it...
And because I have to know every little piece of something, I know everything of this relationship.
Ok, maybe 70%...but that's enough to break yourself your heart.
I assume you to not do it. Don't look at the other girl.
It'll break your heart over and over again coz you'll always think:
This could've be me! I could be the girl, which he is going to vacation, which he is madly in love, which, which, which....
She knows a part of his life, I'll never know. No matter, what I do..
We no longer chat. For years, till 2011.
The Day he started to contact me...
30.09.11 - 20:20
Hey how are you?
12.11.11 - 19:06
so, what's about our Date?^^
He started again to get me. But I said NO.
A half year I heard nothing from him.
He tried again Juny 11 2012
" Where to add you on FB?"
I don't know, if Messages are just lost or if we really didn't talked for a half year.
We chit-chat again and I've told him about what happend at the elementary and that I am sick. Stuff like that. Why do I trust so easily? (More in THIS Blog Post!)
09.25 2012
and both of us. I doubt it works...
09.26 was the last day he tried.
Next time he tried was February 2013.
And in April I said yes.
I thought: stop being so shy. Stop thinking, all boys are the same. Stop think negativ.
The Secret tells you this. Believe in the people. So did I...
It worked.
April 2 2013 we've start to meet again. At first it was very easy. No emotions, just like 2 people, whom not having seen each other since years. We went to Ikea for our "first date".
Does I really had Dates in my life? I always thought of no, but ever since.... whatever.
We went to MC's twice.
You can read
HERE
&
HERE
(And search blog for rest...)
We saw alot. We've written alot. Then on 4.4 he wrote me:
I want you more than just being a friend. You're cool.
I was like: O_O Holy shit, what did you do?
I talked like crazy about the craziest things, yet he liked it that much, that he wrote me this.
Why?
But between wondering and having no ideas in my mind, I was kinda happy.
We saw each other often. He even was here till 2 am! He didn't cared, he had to be awake only 4 hours later, coz of Uni. So much he cared of me!
This how I expect people to act, when they say: I want you to be my girlfriend.
I don't know why, but somehow, something changed. Most of all in May.
I did a mistake by being insecure, coz I saw him writing to his Ex Girlfriend via Facebook.
I totally blocked him. I needed time to think about. It was stupidly, yet the most correct attitude, I've ever had, coz this was the first sign, something is wrong.
It all started after my Birthday.
May 1st
I was sick, I guess less water in my body was the reason. He sleepover at my place and no, we didn't had sex, but we had fun...*ahem*
As I wrote:
He told me, now it is up to me and he think, I don't know, what I want.
But he wants to give me time.
When he said this, I was thinking, yeah he maybe is right but..
No I want you. I want you so badly. I want you so much.
And what my mouth did?
Shut the freaking fucking up....
I can say the most embarassing thoughts, I even can say to him: I love you. but this not?
Wtf :(
(I not told him I love you...at least I hope I not do...oh god #facepalm.gif)
And also I was mad sick this day!
He went to Rome.
(Owh so cliche.... but it is true.)
He came back after 5 days and nothing. No meeting, no talking.
Zero. No connection.
I've written him one day in May:
I miss you so much it hurts.
...
Let's try it.
Nothing. No fucking reaction to this. He just bla bla wrote, it is normal in a relationship to feel like this.
Uhm, are we in a relationship now?? That was a thought of mine after reading his words.
And I started to become insecure.
What happend? What did I do wrong?
All these typical girl stuff question, only girls asking.
I guess, coz boys are so straight right?
I want you or I want you not.
There is no maybe as option, isn't it?
But this also is something, I recently think:
What if I am an option for him coz he has other girls?
Last time we've meet, was May 21
Now is June and we no chit-chat.
There is nothing.
He is flirting with other girls and me?
hm
a gif explains it best:
He no longer wants me. This is reality.
He found another girl
And this reality...
I no longer want.