Saturday, July 20, 2013

why I am WHO I am

Recently I was in a situation, where I got told, when you're ready for a relationship.

When you trust, when you listen, when you understand, what the other person has told you.

I was also told, why I am not in this situation right now:

you are too insecure, too possessive, stalk, do not trust.

I wanna pick up all these pieces and try to make it understandable for everyone, why I am WHO I am and WHY I DON'T CHANGE FOR ANYBODY IN THE WORLD!


I've heard, trust must be built and maintained.
It must be earned.
I believe trust comes with time. The more you are with someone together, the more you know this person.
You start to understand his / her habits and you can count on this.

For example, when I go buy my water I know how it taste.
I trust it taste as usually. If not, goodbye, I never buy again.

No matter, how long you know a person, it is fully dumb to say, you know that person.
You'll never know anyone but you. And even this phrase can be sometimes deleted.
Just think how often you did the wrong decisions but trusted yourself fully, it'll be working.
Trust is something, I only give once. If you play with me, that's it. You are out.

People change

Statistics says, people change every 7 years.
Yes, he maybe is in love with you right now like crazy but tomorrow, when he goes to work or university, he could see a woman and fall in love with her madly. He will start to cheat and you'll never know it, coz you trust him blindly.
Same goes for best friends.
I once had a bff, who was like a soulsister. Now she is the complete opposite of me. We're no longer friends. Years later, she had the nuts, writing shit about me online. She also was one person, whom I thought, I never could live without. But to this later in the possessive section. Same goes for your mother or your siblings. One day they doing everything for you, they would walk through fire, but the next day they stab you with a knife.

Dating experiences are good experiences, coz you will mature and understand Boys more and more.
I've never thought, I had any dates, coz it was always just meeting a friend feeling. But when I look back, I had dates. I was dating many boys...
Due to my experiences, I can say, I once trusted blindly and it destroyed me completely.
Everybody around me told me, he isn't loving me, he just want's to SYNO.
I didn't believed anybody but him.
I got my paycheck.
He cheated, he did it public (uploading kissing, being half naked in bed with her pics, while I trust him blindly) and I also saw it on TV, coz he needed to be in a Reality Show.
This Day, 3 Days before my Birthday, I died. Heartbreaking is no word for it. My Body just stopped living, my heart stopped beating, my brain stopped thinking. I was dead. clinic, real. I just died.
But I came back. Somehow.
I doubt, most of you knows, what feeling it is, when you turn on TV to relax with yummy food and seeing the one, you love kissing someone else. Saying stuff like: I love you.

So yes, ask me never again, why I NOT TRUST BLINDLY!

As for me, I am mad happy, I don't have now these:

Why did I trust him?

Yes I trusted him every single word, he've written to me.
I also wrote a couple of days ago, that I will trust him until bitter end.
Bittersweet end cames yesterday.
Heartbreaking is no expression for what I've felt..

Prevention is better than cure

Nothing's harder as a broken heart.
If I had trusted him blindley, I could not writing this now, coz I would've died yesterday.
I would have committed suicide.
I fully mean it!
When I love, I really love. I get addicted to this person. It is a stupid in love love.
I love from the bottom of my heart. I have the most primitive nature when it comes to love.
My love is blind...kinda. I love witless...

It seems very silly to me, people putting so much heart, so much obsession to this word.

Ist it really that bad, to not trust? Or at least not to 100% but 50%?
Do you really think, I would insult you, just because I don't trust you fully?
I am talking here about MY HEART, that can be broken. So excuse my selfishness but no, no excuse!

Would he give me his FB Password?
Would he give me his cellphone?
Would he trust me, I don't do anything with it?

I doubt it.

I told him my Password for most of the sites, I am registered. Coz I trust him, coz I have nothing to hide.

So why am I the one, who is to blame, just because I can't trust blindly?


I sucked every word that he spoke like a sponge on. I'm not Sheldon Cooper, I can not remember everything he said. I doubt, he can remember everything, I said. I doubt anyone but Sheldon can...
I loved listen to what he has to say. I cared. Can't believe, he's thinking, I do not..


At first, when I read his words,
(Reminder: You are not ready for a men, coz you are too insecure ...)
 I was totally a sinking Titanic. Now, hours later, I am pissed.
Very pissed off....
Does he really think, I am THAT STUPID!?
Does he probably ever thought, that he can't make it understandable, what's going on in his mind?
Use the correct words, so mistakes can't happen, k?
When a boy tells you, he wants you as a girlfriend but not a month later says something like: We are nothing; and at the same time: I got this feeling you don't know, what you want but I let it up to you. I give you all the time you need. Is kissing you etc. and gives you all the Hope.
And is telling you a month later, you misunderstood it,
You see, even I can't write it correctly down, coz it is to crazy fucked up.

Of course I can't understand him anymore coz I don't know anymore what HE wants.
Everyday something different. Yes, No,  Yes, No,  Yes, No,  Yes, No,  Yes, No,  Yes, No,  ...
He now said, I have more feelings for him as he for me. Really? How he knows, what I feel?
Did he ever gave me a minute to explain?


He played with me, yet..
It is this Hope, that makes me feel:


He knews it from the very first beginning. Everything bad happend in my life. I fully trusted him. (See Trust Section...)
I've once told him:

hm I'm like a block of ice. You can defrost me. But when I saw the person not for a while I'm going back to one solid block of ice.

And it is his attitude towards me.
He choose for himself, to go on distance but did I knew anything of it?
NO. All I knew was, that he didn't had any time for me anymore.
We saw each other in April much then in May it stopped.
Of course, I start to think stuff like:
Why do he no longer has time? What did I do wrong?
I start to review, what I've said, if I probably said anything silly etc.

By just saying, we need some distance from each other, to control ourselfs or something like that that would've make such a big difference to me.
And I would not asking him if he wants to meet.
This was very nice from him....
To leave me in dark.


Ok so I've written him:
I can't live without you.

True. But also true is, I can't live without Tuner or my Mom or my BFF.
Right now, I could not imagine a Life without him.
But same goes for all the other boys before him.
It was impossible back then for me to imagine. Same goes to my old BFF's.

Does this makes me possessive?
I gave him all free time. In May we only saw once! ONCE.
Does this makes me possessive?
I asked him a couple of times, if he has time and wants to do something with me.
Does this makes me possessive?
He went to Rome, while I live my life. After he came back, we don't really chit-chat and I also don't ask him like crazy, how it was etc.
Does this makes me possessive?

I am not possessive. I am not like Victoria from HIMYM, telling him, which Girls he can meet and which not. What he can eat and when he can drive his Motorcycle.

I am not controlling him.
And I can't believe, he thinks this of me.

 Let's go to next piece.


If you talk to other girls, don't blame her for being jealous.

Because at one point, you and her were "just friends" too.

I wasn't on his online profile for over a week or maybe 2. I no stalk his FB. I am not going to his University nor workplace nor home and check out, if he is cheating or something.
I am not sitting with 2 Milkshakes in front of his house waiting till he arrives and asking him:
What did you do!? Where were you!? Why you no call!?

Yes, when a girl is giving him on a online community a: "I like you very much heart" and he gives her a "I miss you" back, should I be silence and do nothing? I don't know this girl, I don't know who she is and I fucking don't care.

 But I care, that HE is MISSING HER not ME.

Flirting is shit, if you want a girl as a girlfriend. There's only one way.
No flirting with other girls. Same goes for me.
Why should I even flirt with other boys, when I know exactly, I want this one guy!?
Overall I didn't care. I told him, how much it hurts me, when he get these hearts. He said, they meant nothing to him and I was OK with it. For a while, till yesterday to be specific.
Since we no longer chit-chat and I don't know anything anymore, all I saw was:
Oh, he got a new girl.

Come on, why he no send me a "I miss you", if he wants me?

Am I really that stupid and don't understand?

Of course, I deleted him in the community after I saw this.
Everybody would do it.

Prevention is better than cure

I safeguard my heart with this. I had a dejavu pop up in my mind, that he will upp a pic soon with her kissing. No thank you. I don't wanna see.

On the other side, he is looking at everyone, who cames to my profile and gaves me a hello.
But you know what? I don't tell him, he is stalking me! I don't tell him, he is possessively.
But when I look at the girls profile to check, who she is, I am stalking and I am possessively.
But when he is looking at every mens profile, it is not?
Fuck off, lah!

This Blog Post is over a month old now (Juny 14), but first published today, cos I wasn't sure, if I really should put it up.
I know now, it is the best for myself, to write everything down to NOT forget, what people doing to me.
Over and over again.
He is one of them.
I never forget.
Thank you Chloe-Lenne for writing it down years ago, cos I totally forgot.

Just read something about bikes, when it pops up in my mind:
I've trusted him with my life. I was a Sozia once, twice, often did I drove with him and his motorcycle? Can't remember. Anyway, I've trusted him completely, blindly with my life. I gave MY LIFE in HIS Hands and he has the nuts telling me, "You don't trust me" ?


  1. I completely understand and agree with everything this blog posts says. <3

    "No matter, how long you know a person, it is fully dumb to say, you know that person. You'll never know anyone but you." - Very true. Always trust yourself and stay true to YOU.

  2. yeah never change for anybody!

  3. Kick his balls!
    Nobody has the right to play with you like this person!